December 9, 2006
I am sitting alone in my living room watching a movie with dim lights on, on this cold winter night. And suddenly something makes me look around my self. Look around the living room. Look out through the window into the darkness of the night. Everything seems to mirror me.
My thoughts. My pain. My void.
Is this by love or hatred or loneliness. I dont know. But I know one thing for sure love is painful. Incredibly painful when it ends without reason. Loneliness is hell.
My body feeling incredibly tired mentally and physically from apprently doing nothing but just thinking. Thinking and Thinking. Thinking way too much. Thinking what? My future, My Life, The meaning of my life, things that repeatedly keep on happening to me. None of them makes sense. They are just giving me confusions after confusions and complications after complications. I dont see a beginning nor do I see an end. I cant even take a few minutes from my life to step aside and let it pass by leaving me alone. Atleast giving me some time to digest whats going on. My mind is going crazy. Crazy because of happiness? I wish! I really wish! I cant remember the last time I smiled genuinely from my heart to the people around me. All the smiles, All the joking the talking are a great way to escape, to mask my pain. Which sometimes feels like I am cheating my self.
But the best medicine that keeps me away from all this chaos SLEEP. Oh I wish I can sleep all day. It doest mean getting to sleep is easy. Nor it makes to wake up! Everything is a struggle.
I want an end. End to the pain, to the tears, to the loneliness, to the void, the tiredness of thinking, the pain of being me. END IT ALL! I dont want to be inbetween. I want just an END.
