words of wisdom

here i stand confused
looking around me,
here i stand bruised
seeking for key

its no key thats
gold or silver
oh dont bother
it doesnt have a shape
and i do quiver

its all black and white
in this maze around me
no laughter, no joy
just long lost love
and mind killing pain
running all over
like a mad man
hitting thorn after thorn
im just in vain

im deserted
no hand to hold
im calling out
no soul that unfolds
im weeping all over
washing my dull face
hoping for some success
oh.. im all over the place!

i will fight this battle
ill make my dreams
come true
ill scare those
bad omens
my pains and all? ADIEU!

I went for a haircut today and the lady who cut my hair (whos white) started asking me what I do and so on. Then eventually she started talking about her son and she said how he was really interested in doing Mechanical Engineering but suddenly during grade 12 he had this sudden interested in becomming a chef and now hes studying to be a CHEF! Holy smokes..she also said eventhough her son is really good when it comes to math and he always had interests in mechanical things his natural talent was being a good cook so when her son told that she was more than happy as he was following his heart! And then I said man thats like two opposite poles and its very unbelievable for me and she said yeah true but he enjoys it plus it has a great demand, and that its not the career you choose its all about doing the career you love and be able to be greatful about it even after certain years and making the mark of your own in it!

This chat I had today kept on resonating in me all day today which made me write this post. I was like that guy is so lucky to have parents who support him so much. I imagined myself going to my parents and saying mum, dad I love engineering and I love math but my heart tells me to follow my dream of becomming a chef and without a second wasted my dad would have screamed at me yelled at me he will even say he got so hurt and I am pretty sure he wont eat that day. And then I will have to APOLOGISE for thinking that way and then just go with engineering to please him and my so called “relatives”. Well actually thats what I am doing right now. I am not in the correct career path but I am doing it for my parents. Last summer after my marks were low I was crying and yelling at them for making me doing engineering and that my passion is somewhere else and my dad was completly upset. And mind you I was only saying I wanted to do a Business degree not becomming a chef! But then he called my uncle who supposedly has a PhD and that guy started ranting about how I was the first person to go to university as I am the eldest of my cousins and I shouldnt set such a bad example for my younger cousins of changing career choices! I am nto setting a bad example! I am telling them do what you LOVE! heavens!
Oh fuck! Well I am still stuck with engineering!

What is it with brown parents? seriously? No one survives if you dont become an engineer or a doctor? The worlds richest person is a doctor? no engineer? NOOO he doesnt even have a degree! One day a person interviewed Oprah winfrey and asked how she managed to become the top and the first black billionaire, she answered I do what I love and what my heart tells me therefore I am able to pour 1000% percent to what I am doing therefore I am successful. In order for you to be successful you do what you LOVE! Not do something that others want you to do!

I was chatting with my friends in Lanka the other day and what he told me just pissed me off. Everyone wants to become a doctor in Colombo and they are going to lands you have never heard of. They are all saying they are goign to Latvia, Czech republic, Belarus and all those un- heard countries just to do medicine since its cheap! WTF! This is crazy! When will we learn? Why are we always deprived of what we want? Just becuase my relatives is going to treat me good I have to become a doctor or engineer? NOOO.. I want to do what I love to do. I dont want to wear my hard hat and sit in a office or site just waiting when will my day end so I can get out of this crap!

I am praying this trend should change. This mentality should change. This is unfair for the children. They have so many talents that are just getting wasted. Passions that are been ignored. We are losing our Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey and people who can make a huge impact to the world since we are all busy becomming doctors and engineers and not very successful in it! So I am prayign for a change! Atleast our generation should realise this, step up and do something about it. Enough shattered dreams and boring jobs you dont like to do. DO what you love and then you’ll see success and you will be on TOP OF THE WORLD!

Seriously I am debating with myself and everybody else in the world, Is it right to love someone? I dont mean just romantically but any form of love that can possibly exists. For me when someone says he loves someone that means it can be defined in three different ways. One, love towards a girl/ guy who has the potential to become a life partner, love towards your friends that doesnt involve the romantic and sexual aspect, and finally the love towards your parents. Lets ignore the love towards God for this argument.

You love someone when that person has made a huge impact in your life or their personality simply intrigues you and you want to learn more from them and be part of their life for the rest of your life. When it comes to parents its all about the unconditional love they provide to you no matter what sacrifices they made in their life and its the respect and gratitude that you show towards them. Most of the time love towards your parents comes without forced, so does love towards others but in the sense of parents its more natural.

But my argument is loving someone the right thing to do? Think about it, how do you feel when someone you love so unconditionally just says to you “this is the END”? How does it feel when someone you love to death just doesnt even have the time to say goodbye as they have to answer the call of nature and be burned to ashes or be rotten with the soil? How does it feel when you have to say good bye to your loved one and just move on to a new place where everythign is simply new? How does it feel when you love somone just forgetting who you are but at the end that person loves some one else? Sometimes how does it feel when you love and pour love onto someone but they dont realise it nor do they have the gratitude towards you but just walks away without even a gesture and totally forget you? The simply answer is its a PAIN.

This pain is nothing like breaking a bone, or burning your skin, or cutting your finger. This is the pain that just kills you day by day. The more you think about it the more you cry, you feel lonely, lost and feel the void in your life. It just hurts! Anybody who witnessed a parent die how do you feel? It must feel cursed! Anybody who saw a friend you loved move away how do you feel? So lonely and miserable!

Then why love? I think Ive witnessed it ALOT in my life, and I think so does a majority of people that the more you love someone the more they leave you! The more you care about someone the more they hurt you. Then why the hell do you need to provide all these comfort? Why do you need to love someone? care about someone ? just sacrifice youself for the sake of someone? They are going to leave someday arent they? Then why? Give me an answer people I really want to know! Is loving someone the right thing to do? Or just ignore everything around you and live as a monk and be as selfish as possible and not need to provide love, or care the best thing to do? Well you wont get hurt or feel betrayed would you? Answer me people plz!

I am sitting alone in my living room watching a movie with dim lights on, on this cold winter night. And suddenly something makes me look around my self. Look around the living room. Look out through the window into the darkness of the night. Everything seems to mirror me.
My thoughts. My pain. My void.

Is this by love or hatred or loneliness. I dont know. But I know one thing for sure love is painful. Incredibly painful when it ends without reason. Loneliness is hell.

My body feeling incredibly tired mentally and physically from apprently doing nothing but just thinking. Thinking and Thinking. Thinking way too much. Thinking what? My future, My Life, The meaning of my life, things that repeatedly keep on happening to me. None of them makes sense. They are just giving me confusions after confusions and complications after complications. I dont see a beginning nor do I see an end. I cant even take a few minutes from my life to step aside and let it pass by leaving me alone. Atleast giving me some time to digest whats going on. My mind is going crazy. Crazy because of happiness? I wish! I really wish! I cant remember the last time I smiled genuinely from my heart to the people around me. All the smiles, All the joking the talking are a great way to escape, to mask my pain. Which sometimes feels like I am cheating my self.
But the best medicine that keeps me away from all this chaos SLEEP. Oh I wish I can sleep all day. It doest mean getting to sleep is easy. Nor it makes to wake up! Everything is a struggle.

I want an end. End to the pain, to the tears, to the loneliness, to the void, the tiredness of thinking, the pain of being me. END IT ALL! I dont want to be inbetween. I want just an END.

I dont know everything around me and the thigns that keep on happening to me are just fucking irritating me….seriously..I really dont knwo why the hell I am still alive… its not a day or two that I feel like this…its freaking everyday…..nothing is going right…SIMPLY NOTHING! damn..

I think the main reason for this is the fact that I hate my Chem Eng class. They are worlds most boring and selfish people put together in one room who dont give even a fuckign smile at you! Talk about friendly damn I dont think they knwo the meaning of it…. if its only one or two people in a class i dotn mind btu this is the fucking whole class…. Only thing they tlak about is studies and smile only if they want help and thats it…you are like a fool and an idiot just tryign to gain friendship but well you are a fool so YOU ARE WRONG! they onyl use you! FUCK IT MAN!
This makes me feel so lonely… I dont seem to find the meaning of going to University other than to attend boring sleepy lectures…. When i wake up first thign in the morning the thing i say to my self damn shit! I have to go through this again! why cant i simply fall into eternal sleep! SIMPly WHY CANT I!

there are some very very special friends in my life who when i feel this way I really wanna talk to…they make me so happy…i forget everythgin and simply smile when i talk to them… knwo they are busy i knwo they have their own lfie to attend to..but when i am feelign down and when they dotn come online as well I JUST GO MAADD!…i feel like breaking thigns and and cry and go to sleep…man i am pathetic

Becuase of this I get irritated with everyother thigns….its like a Domino effect….every other thign is just simply WRONG!…….my parents….my friends form srilanka…everythgin they say is just getting onto my nerves….i feel like killign my self… i am losing my appetite…my liking to study…my likign towards my violin playing…drawing….I ma just losing my fuckign energy and I NEED HELP! OR I WANNA DIE! one or the other! i simpyl cant take it anymore! some people have tried to help me out but well! nothgin seems to workout…what they sya is right but applying it is nto that easy!

I HATE THIS WORLD I WANNA DIE SOON….FUCK IT

Seriously, Child Molesters should be shot like dogs in front of people. No other penalty would serve well as just killing them. Its not only about molestation, thats just the beginning of a disastrous future for a child. I am frustrated, full of hatred. I will serve jail time murdering them than just staring at whats going on. Even more pathetic is when this combines with a broken family. Even the thought of it is killing me how would it be when someone experiences this and far more?
What made me think like this so suddenly? Well its a long story here it goes:

There is a friend of mine who I do not want to disclose his name who lives in Sri Lanka. Yesterday he got so emotional and he just wanted to let out all his sorrows as he couldn’t take it anymore therefore he started to tell his story and struggles.

When he was 10 years old someone close to his family has come to his house to rent out a room for few years. Someone the family trusted so much. But later it seems his intentions were different. He started to molest my friend who was 10 at that time. Since he was 10 he didn’t understand what was going on. He felt trapped, confused, its taboo to speak out so he kept quiet. It was continued for few years and eventually the molester left somewhere else don’t know where! It was just the beginning for my friend for the endless emotional struggles and confusions he had to face by himself. He did not know who to trust, whom to speak too, he felt if he tells his parents he would be looked down and he has been developing hatred all along just putting a smiling face to the outside world.
Now he is almost 20 but the hatred has changed to something else. He easily gets angry with people. He wants people to listen his way or he gets heart broken. If someone just casually says well I need to go home, I have stuff to do talk to you later he thinks that people don’t like him and tries to ignore him! How pathetic is that!

To add more into this he has a broken family. He says that his family is not attached to him therefore he doesn’t know what parental love is all about. He was adopted when he was born but brought back when he was 10 by his parents. His parents fight a lot at home. His father seems to be very abusive. I just couldn’t take anymore!

How can one person go through all of this while we complain on the smallest things possible? Its hard even to listen to this. You see these things on TV and on movies. But you never think it would happen to a friend who has been supportive to you all way through! I cannot believe it.

But he said while he was 18/19 I don’t know when exactly, there was a friend of his who he felt like telling this story and opened up to him and that friend has listened to him and being so supportive for him helping him out and trying to figure out a brand new chapter in his life. He said that’s when I got parental love. That’s the first time someone listened to me and talked to him openly and that felt so good. Parental love through a friend. And they emotionally, psychologically and even physically bonded with each other. But he is still in the journey and struggle of finding who he really is. What his sexual orientation is, because he also has a girl friend who again is very supportive towards him but her parents are very objective towards their relationship. He loves her so much but he doesn’t know where to go next!

Man I don’t know what to say. What a story, what a struggle, what a journey. A guy who is living through all of this and still manages to put on a happy face. Bravo!
I cant imagine how we complain for the slightest thing possible while there are many people going through the most horrible phases of life! I just don’t understand this world!

How could someone get the mind to molest a kid? A kid is so young, innocent and doesn’t know what is good or bad. How could one possibly take advantage of that? Its just nasty! That’s why I say molesters should be shot and no other penalty would pay the price. When one is shot then eventually the others will back off. It’s a kid for god sakes!

And again broken families should first thing go counseling. Life doesn’t work that way. You guys can fight the hell you want but don’t have kids if you do so. You don’t know how much a kid suffers through that. Its just hard. Even the thought of that is hard but how can u go through ti without anybody to support u. Please for god sakes think about the innocent mind of a kid!

What did it do to deserve hell on earth! Please guys change and help to make the world a better place!
If any of your friends or relatives are going through some sort of abuse please help them please do! They need it. Dont feel shy and scared. Helping out someone in this situation i the first step is eliminating future abusers, drug addicts and murderers.
And on a last note. Be happy with what you have! People are going through the worst in life compared to you. So consider your self lucky and dont complain! And if you feel like complaining try to change it or just keep quiet!

Oh yeah… University seems to be a BAD LUCK charm for me..From the time I entered to University I am simply struggling struggling struggling…. I dont know whats going on..I feels so depressed..

First entering into University was a struggle…. I took Bio un-necessarily and coldnt memorise a whole shit from that book, Algebra was totally screwed up first semester and my firstUniversity marks were very low…. Then I had to work twice as much to just get my mark to the acceptable level…That was done and I got into University! Hurray!….But hold on..

First semester was just nasty….. The civil course was a nightmare….All my profs were like witches and warlocks trying to boil me up in a potion….There was not a single Prof who I felt like studying for…their faces were simply dull and boring and they just made me hate university…. Their teaching methods were far beyond horrible….My peers seemed to not connect that much with me….Everything seemed like a never ending maze….OH Lord! Some how with a magic 50 for CIV I passed 1st semester….

Everybody was saying 2nd semester is easy becuase you passed 1st semester and all the courses are better… Oh yeah thats how I felt the first few weeks…. But then came that nightmare again which I thought I would never experience again…. All the profs who seemed nice at the beggining started to put on their nasty faces and started to teach the boring way…. Everyclass made me to sleep…..Again I felt I didnt connect with my peers… I just wanted to run… The minute the classes were done I just wanted to go home since I felt I do not belong in this crappy place….I have cried endless nights trying to figure out why I chose this Why or why! But the answer doesnt seems to reach me….But soemhow I had the feeling I would pass this…. But then came the final exams…. I studied the most for Calculus but thats what I struggled the most with…When I saw the paper I was speechless I knew that day that 2nd semester is not goign to finish that easy… Now the marks are up…. and thank you I DID fail Calculus…. Oh thanks again….I have to pay a freaking 830$ just to repeat my never ending nightmare….I am on probation as well Wow doesnt that make my day a little better…. My mums alright but my dad oh boy!…. He starts a convosation with soemthign else and ends it with my failed mark! Damn… wHY IS LIFE SUCH A STRUGGLE FOR ME… It hurts….I cannot cocnentrate on anythgin else except think about me my failing and my future and where I am gonna end up…. Am I going to be the disgrace in my family! Am I the ugly duckling…??….Every single relative is judging me….They dont appreciate me when I do somethign really well but they are always ready to complain and laugh at me when I am failign and struggling….

Oh lord…I am confused Depressed…I dont know who to talk so openly….I always wish that I could ask all my un-answered question form lord himself….I want to see him right now!….I want to knwo why I was born? to struggle so much? To cry everyday? To be a disgrace to my family? Do I have a future and what is it!….

Sorry for thsoe who read this becuase it totally depressing I know .. but i want it to be out of my mind atleast for some time…. I ll end it now…Good luck to the others!

P.S: After so much irritation tonight by my dad Ive decided to not talk to him….Seriously I am totally irritated…There is always a limit in what you can handle…He always appreciates one thats an Engineer or a Doctor I guess its my time to prove I am not any of that… If he has a problem with that then I am more than happy!